I stared at the Vavada website for a long time, my fingers on the keyboard, my heart beating in a rhythm I hadn’t felt in years. I deposited fifty dollars, which was what I’d budgeted for food that week, and I told myself this was the last stupid thing I’d do, the last desperate act of a man who’d spent his life making things that would make sound and was finally, finally ready to hear something that wasn’t made by his own hands.